Happy Sunrise

In place of a regular blog post, today I am please to present a new short film I have made titled: Happy Sunrise: A Short Film.

Description: A beautiful happy day full of flowers and smiles turns even happier...for pessimists.

 

 

Magic

Originally posted on June 24, 2009.

Magic, in the paranormal sense of the word may be defined as �anything alleged to exist that is not explainable by any present laws of science.�  Of course this leaves us with a partial explanation for magic in that it is completely plausible by this definition that science has not yet caught up with the particular phenomena.  For instance, there is no scientific law or evidence that indicates even a remote possibility for any terra based species to possess the ability to morph (or evolve) into a different species � but that�s just because scientific knowledge is too limited right now.  So in the interim, it is safe to say that based on our definition, mankind was able to evolve from apes because of magic.

Now we come to the inevitable question of whether some things will ever be able to be explained by science.  In our physical world, some things simply defy a reality of explanation in such a stark mystery that it seems science will never get to the point of providing answers for inquiring minds.  Examples of such cases include:

01. Black Holes
02. The Bermuda Triangle
03. Rosie O�Donnell
04. Aliens
05. Sasquatches
06. The Loch Ness Monster
07. Michael Moore�s head
08. Ghosts
09. Spontaneous Dental Hydroplosion

For now we must assume that these things are strictly based in the realm of the magical until some scientist somewhere is able to get his article published in a �scholarly� journal � then it�s pretty much scientific law.

Video Harvest - Volume 8

Since I did not post a Video Harvest last week, you are getting an extra huge bushel of moving pixels this week.
 
First caption: LOL.

Next we have the super secretive film project of J.J. Abrams, �Super 8.�

This video is 15 minutes long�I�m sorry. But blasting mosquitoes out of the sky with a flippin laser is just too awesome.

The next video is in honor of the recent release of Iron Man 2. Directed by my good buddy, Steven Bowman.

Lastly, we have the full length Google Chrome speed test commercial�not really scientific or valid results but still cool to watch.

Advertising

Originally posted May 6, 2009.

Let�s face it; there are all kinds of ridiculousnesses in advertising these days. In an attempt to be witty, clever, shocking, and/or attention grabbing, companies come up with some of the dumbest abbreviations, slogans, and catch phrases ever to be conceived by man. Let�s take a few moments to explore this world of advertising with some real world examples�

01. BOGO � Originally this term was coined �Buy One Get One Free� which is simple and not hard to say. Yet, someone thought it would be cute to abbreviate this into an acronym that doesn�t even include the entire term. BOGO stands for �Buy One Get One� the obvious clipping of the little detail of �free� means that BOGO could refer to little else than �You get what you pay for�if you buy one, you only get one.� Thus, the term should be BOGOF yet people in marketing are apparently not good at English and BOGO is used flippantly and incorrectly on newspaper inserts across the US.

02. Not understanding the difference between a Sequel and a Prequel � This one has come to my attention just recently with the upcoming release of the film �Angels and Demons.� This film is based on a book written by Dan Brown that was written 3 years before his book �The Da Vinci Code.� Yet, the trailer for the film adaptation of Angels and Demons states that it is a sequel to The Da Vinci Code when it is in fact a prequel. You�d think that a film studio�s marketing department would have done at least a little bit of research on their own movie�s source material before making such an obvious mistake�but they apparently didn�t.

03. HDD � if you go to any electronics store and take a look at their digital video cameras you will notice many times that they have the letters HDD in large text in an extremely visible location on the camera itself. In this case it is marketing genius on the part of the manufacturer and buyer retardation on the part of the consumer. HDD does not mean High Definition Display�.it means Hard Disk Drive meaning the video files are stored on an internal hard drive and are likely not in anywhere close to an HD resolution. Yet, marketers sell tons of cameras by jumping on the HD bandwagon and making people think they�re getting something they�re not.

These are just a few examples (3 to be exact) of how advertising can be lame. Comment if you know of any more.

Star Wars Day

In honor of yesterday�s Star Wars Day (May the fourth be with you)�(yes, it�s lame - even by geek standards), here is a shameless plug for a product that spawned out of an April Fools joke�but then became so popular that it was made available for consumer purchase by ThinkGeek.com.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Slumber in the Belly of the Beast

In the sub-zero wasteland of the planet Hoth, only the strong survive... and of course those lucky Jedi protected by the thick skin of a Tauntaun. Now after exhaustive movie viewing research and analysis ThinkGeek Labs has isolated the exact synthetic compounds needed to re-create Tauntaun fur. What have we done with this supreme knowledge? Created a Tauntaun sleeping bag of course.

This high-quality sleeping bag looks just like a Tauntaun, complete with saddle, printed internal intestines, and a plush lightsaber zipper pull. Now when your kids tell you their favorite Star Wars movie is "Attack of the Clones" you can nestle the wee-ones snug in simulated Tauntaun fur while regaling them with the amazing tale of "Empire Strikes Back".

Use the plush lightsaber zipper pull on the Tauntaun sleeping bag to illustrate how Han Solo saved Luke Skywalker from certain death in the freezing climate of Hoth by slitting open the belly of a dead Tauntaun and placing Luke inside the stinking (but warm) carcass. If your kids don't change their tune on which Star Wars film is the greatest ever, you can do your best Jar Jar impression until they repent.

Product Features

Classic Star Wars sleeping bag simulates the warmth of a Tauntaun carcass
Built-in embroidered Tauntaun head pillow
Plush Lightsaber zipper pull
Printed intestines pattern on inside of bag
Great for playing pretend "Save Luke from the Wampa" games
Teach your children about the best Star Wars movie ever
Fully Licensed Lucasfilm� Collectable
100% Polyester construction, Machine washable
WARNING CHOKING HAZARD - Ages 3 and Up ONLY
For indoor use only. Not suitable for camping.
One size fits all. Enough room for adults, plenty of space for kids
Bag Dimensions - 33" x 67" (not including head pillow or legs)

(c) (2009) Lucasfilm Ltd . & TM. All Rights Reserved.

Price: $99.99
http://www.thinkgeek.com/geektoys/plush/bb2e/?pfm=Carousel_Tauntaun_4

Opposites

They say that opposites attract�so invariably we should see patterns following this social epistemology on a regular day to day basis: Super hot beautiful young women with acres of wealth should always be attracted to ugly homeless old and busted beggar guys. Car crash statistics should show that most automobile accidents occur between 2008 Ferrari 360s and 1972 El Caminos. Dogs and Cats should be the best of friends. Apple and Microsoft should do commercials for each other. North Carolina and Duke should refuse to play each other and just let the game go on forever. Yet, none of these things ever seem to happen�why is this? I�ll tell you why, because these things are socially unacceptable.

Gorgeous rich women don�t follow their inmost desire to be with a bum on the street because society tells them that it is not cool despite what their feelings are. Society has also set up traffic laws that would prevent opposing vehicles from being attracted to each other on the highway. Dogs and cats are supposed to fight like dogs and cats because our culture has defined it as such. Apple and Microsoft have to hate each other or they will be suspected of conspiring and stealing money from the government. North Carolina and Duke�s campuses are way too close to each other and society states that to mean that they have nothing in common and must hate one another. As you can see, society is an evil that changes what is good and natural into something not good and natural. The fact is that opposites do attract but social opinion does everything within its power to reject and redefine this truth. Look at the marriage issue in this country�nature, physiological common sense and absolute moral truth state that opposites attract�yet society wishes to change what is natural to what is backward.

So what is the answer dear friend? I�ll tell you�we must destroy society. Societal homicide is the only way to truly allow free market attraction of opposites in this culture of ours. Of course�that would put us in a position of opposition to society�to be consistent with our own philosophy we would have to let ourselves become attracted to society�resulting in the complete failure of our original plan to murder-death-kill it. Dang, never mind.

Video Harvest � Volume 7

A short video harvest for you today�

 

Gravit� from Renaud Hall�e on Vimeo.

So is it just me or does it seem really dirty for Apple to go after Gizmodo because they were dumb enough to leave their iPhone at a bar? Does that not qualify as abandoned property?

Parallel Universes

Space. The final frontier. Unless you subscribe to a belief in parallel universes that exist only in other dimensions not yet discovered by humankind.  In that case, there may be any number of frontiers yet to be explored�

At this point in human history, the idea of parallel universes exists only in the realm of theory and science fiction, right? We see movies all the time that delve into a broad view of possibility and reference or even out right claim truth in the hypothesis. Then, on rare occasions, we find individuals so convinced in their own minds that they have either seen, felt, smelled, tasted, or heard a parallel universe through some kind of personal revelation most accurately described as �an experience.� I am not referring to a drug induced trance or hallucination, I�m talking about the kind of experience that changes a person�s perspective on life and in most cases, certifies  him as mentally insane in the eyes of society.

Curtis Barrymore was one of those people.

At the ripe old age of 72, Curtis lived alone and spent most of his time staring out his parlor room window at the people who walked on the sidewalk in front of his house.  Every Thursday morning he would put on his coat and hat and walk himself down to the county library.  Upon walking inside, he would tip his hat to the pretty young librarian seated at the front desk�but never said a word to her.  Perhaps it was because he was nervous due to the attraction he felt for her despite the obvious age gap.  The young woman watched him as he went to the mircofiche station, just as he did every week. And true to form, Curtis looked up the location of a book titled �The Garden of Forks.� The woman was certain that Curtis knew where the book was and even knew its exact position on the shelf. �So why did he always look it up?� she thought to herself.  �Predictable as a Swiss clock.� The woman watched as Curtis found his book in its normal dwelling place and then took it and sat in a chair in the corner of the library as was his custom.  Typically he stayed and read for about 13 minutes and then put the book back and left (the life of a librarian can be frightfully boring and spying on patrons was the woman�s only joy). But after thirty-three minutes, Curtis still sat staring at the book. Curious, the woman walked over to him, pretending to look for a book on the shelves as she went.  When she was within an arms reach of him, the woman said softly �Sir, is there anything I can help you with?� There was no response, verbal or otherwise.  The woman repeated her question, a little louder this time but received the same response. Concerned that the old man might have a health condition, the librarian reached out with her hand and touched the man�s shoulder to wake him.  Suddenly the woman�s mind was spinning as a rush of pulsing colors flooded her field of vision. She could smell a strong scent of peppermint and she could feel her body shaking.  All at once her eyes came into focus and she found herself standing in a lush garden filled with unrecognizable plants.  Looking down she saw that her hand was still on Curtis� shoulder but he had transformed into a youthful man of about 26 years old. He looked up and said �Hello, Julie.� in shocked surprise the woman jerked her hand away and was immediately brought back to the library. As she fell to the floor in the early stages of unconsciousness, she felt a strong arm catch her before the impact and lift her limp body into the air. �I�m sorry� she heard a gruff and aged voice say. Then everything went black and silent.

Julie woke up in a hospital bed. Curtis was never seen again.

Confessions of a Female Geek

Originally posted April 13, 2009.

I�m not sure when it happened. I have some idea as to how, but the change came so gradually and seamlessly that by the time I finally noticed it was too late. Perhaps the most tragic thing is I�ve never heard of anyone turning back from such a condition.

I�m speaking of course of being a geek � or in my case, being assimilated by geeks.

I completely blame this evolution on my husband, Max and Frank � though they would argue I have a propensity to geek-like behavior as it is. (So, I liked LOTR to the point of wearing shirts with bell sleeves and writing my name in elvish�that doesn�t prove anything). We can argue nature versus nurture some other time�

One of the first tip offs was the realization one evening that I could recognize what weapon my husband was using on Halo 3 (in social slayer) just by listening from the next room. From picking up on the distinct clicking of the needler, the rhythms of AR and BR to the solid echoing quality of the sniper rifle, I feared I was beginning to slip irrevocably into the realm of geekdom.

Then one day, I caught myself inadvertently passing judgment on an individual who only used Internet Explorer as her web browser. She didn�t even know of the existence of Mozilla. I then began questioning the mental capabilities of those who refuse to investigate the wonders of gmail, tabbed browsing and keyboard shortcuts � but these are all basic, right? This doesn�t in and of itself make me a geek�but it gets worse.

I�ve begun to pick up geek-talk. Yes, I can use �assimilated� with the full knowledge of its reference to the Borg. I accidentally use gamer terms like p0wned in everyday conversation. I�ve taken part in debates as to whether Captain Picard is better than Kirk (my answer is Picard, if you�re wondering). I am untrusting of AI�s ability to hold to Asimov�s laws and fear the development of a system of Skynet proportions. I even noted when we were out to dinner that leftover skewers if kept in one�s purse could come in handy in the case of a zombie apocalypse, and I don�t even like zombie stories.

Oh, and don�t even get me started on comic books. I�ve caught myself correcting guys on their super-hero facts, such as Superman�s father�s name, Spider-man�s girlfriends (the ones from the comic books, not the movies), Batman�s real name and fictional comic book towns.

I was inwardly proud of myself yet somewhat scared when I began to understand the t-shirts on thinkgeek.com, including the on that reads: �There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those who understand binary code and those who don�t.� I�m not sure if that�s worse than the hatred I�m harboring for Billy Mitchell upon robbing Steve Wiebe of his title in Donkey Kong or not.

At any rate, I think it�s safe to say that I�m showing early (or perhaps more advanced) signs of being a geek. All in all it�s not a bad thing. I�ve learned a lot and if nothing else it has enabled me to engage in a wider variety of conversations and be a more proficiently efficient user of technology � not to mention knowing how to defend myself against aliens, zombies, vampires or the flood. In closing, as I sit here wondering if I would rather have a high medi-chlorian count or own Scotty�s teleportation device, I would just like to say: Be warned, girls � you are what you marry.

Travel

Hello loyal readership.  I will be traveling to Illinois this week to film a conference so don�t let the lack of updates ore sparseness of content frighten you.  I will return.  I will.

 

Unless something unforeseen happens (or at least becomes seen) and I find myself careening towards death in our rental van after having a near collision with a bread truck whilst on a high bridge overlooking a raging river somewhere in Illinois.

Ten and a Half

Originally posted April 8, 2009.

The more you study, the more you know. The more you know, the more can forget. The more you can forget, the more you do forget. The more you forget, the less you know. So why study?

This was Patrick�s mantra, his thesis, his banner flying high atop the siege tower of his life. Sure, he was only ten and a half years old but already the combined hatred of school work and overwhelming love of using logic to disprove reason had taken him. For the most part, Patrick was a pretty good kid. He brushed his teeth regularly and only threw rocks through the neighbors� windows irregularly. Occasionally Pat would play practical jokes on the Statham�s by taking one of their bunny rabbits out of its cage and burying it alive, but these instances were few and far between. After being punished and asked why he had done such a thing, Patrick replied by saying, �The rabbit was already dead; I just told you I buried it alive because it sounded more dramatic.� This worked the first time, but Patrick�s parents began to suspect when the dog dug up a fourth bunny skeleton and Pat answered with the same explanation as the first three. Either there was a bunny rabbit death epidemic at the Statham�s and Pat just happened to be the first one to notice each time, or Patrick was a liar.

One day Patrick and his brother Simon climbed into a storm drain man hole. When cars would pass, Patrick would stick his arm through the gutter inlet and grasp for the pavement of the road as someone who was trying to escape certain doom. Almost always, the car would slow down and as soon as it did, Simon would reach out with a gloved hand and pull Patrick�s arm back into the drain. Occasionally Simon would add a pounding to his �victim�s� hand before dragging it into the darkness to add to the drama. Sometimes people would get out of their cars and call down into the drain; the boys would just move down deeper into the blackness and try to keep from laughing out loud.

This kind of behavior went on through most of Patrick�s adolescent life. Eventually Pat stopped brushing his teeth altogether and in doing so, lost all recognizable signs of morality. Patrick was labeled as one who is made of pure unadulterated evil and his actions would soon catch up with him. On March 29, 2001, Patrick was imprisoned on false charges of assault and gross negligence. His accuser was listed on the police report as a Mr. Benji Statham.

Video Harvest � Volume 6

It�s a beautiful thing:

 

Next, an 8-bit attack on NYC:

 

This is so that nerds can be even more anti social � and play RPS by themselves:

 

A nice little short film that reminds me of Half-Life 2�highly recommend watching this in HD. Also, be warned that it does contain some violence and blood.

 

And the PacAttack�.Also may be disturbing for children, sissies, and small rodents.

.

Disney Princesses � Part 3

You may recall a few weeks back I did a couple articles on the Disney Princesses (here and here) which was received with resounding approval by my readership as well as top accolades from many in the who deemed my analysis �awesome� and �deserving of a Pulitzer.�

My list however was incomplete due to the fact that I had yet to view �The Princess and the Frog,� Disney's most recent iteration of what has become commonly known as �the Disney Princess farce.�

Here is what I wrote previously regarding the movie�s heroine, Tiana:

09. Tiana � Also not a real princess until she marries a frog, Tiana is an American living in New Orleans in 1912.  Wearing a princess costume for a masquerade ball, Tiana is mistaken as a real princess by a frog who just happens to be a prince from a country that still has a monarchy. Since I have yet to see �The Princess and The Frog,�  I will not comment further regarding the negative aspects of the film or its �princess.�  If you have seen the movie, feel free to add input in the comments section.

-Spoilers be here, ye be warned.-

Now having watched the film, I can say without a doubt that Tiana fits right in with the other ridiculous princess characters in the Disney cartoon collection.  She is a person who violates her own principles in order to get financial success � throughout the first act, we are constantly reminded that Tiana would never ever in a million years kiss a frog no matter the material benefits. When actually faced with such a choice, all her principles go out the window as she decides that money is more important and this prince who is a frog can provide that. The result is that rather than turning the frog into a handsome rich prince, Tiana�s kiss turns herself into a frog�Shrek much?

Ultimately the two frogs fall in love and learn that the only way they can change back is if the prince frog is kissed by a true princess � sooo not Tiana. And lucky them, its Mardi Gras in New Orleans and Tiana�s friend Charlotte just happens to be the daughter of the man named King of the festival�so in classic Disney fashion, Charlotte qualifies as a princess until the clock strikes midnight.  When the necessary kiss fails to happen before this moment in time, the two frogs decide that they are good with their condition and decide to get married as frogs � Shrek much? 

At that moment Tiana becomes a princess by marriage and the subsequent kiss changes them back into humans.  All of this�because Tiana did what she swore she would never do. Sure, it turned out okay in the end�but not without sacrificing the films best character to death by shoe sole. All this without even mentioning the loose flooziness of a woman who is willing to make out with someone for money�or the problems that come with interspecies relationships.  And this is supposed to be a role model for our children?

Video Harvest � Volume 5

Hey everyone, here is last week�s VidHarvest that I simply forgot to post.  I will do the customary repost on Friday then go back to the normal rotation next week.  Hope everyone had a wonderful Easter.

Just to let you know, none of the videos this week are April Fools jokes.  Perhaps some of those will appear on next week�s harvest but for now we�ll steer clear of them.

 

 

 

March Madness

So this year�s NCAA Division I Men�s Basketball Tournament or the NCAADIMBT, has been insane.  No one would have thought that the number 1 overall seed would lose to a No. 9 seed school called Northern Iowa in the second round.  Upset after upset has led to a very interesting result in the Final Four�We now have two No. 5 seed teams (Michigan St. and Butler), a No. 2 seed (West Virginia) and a lone No. 1 seed (Duke).

Despite all the uncertain pitfalls that brackets have endured this year, I still not completely out because I have Duke winning it all.  Only Saturday and Mondays games will tell, but I�m hoping Coach K and his blue devils can pull it out.  One thing is for sure, this year�s tournament has been a wild ride and I love seeing the underdog do well.  When it comes to basketball, it just doesn�t get much better than this.

All this got me to thinking�what if Superheroes competed in such a bracket style tournament? Who would be the final four? Who would win it all?  I have assembled a Superhero Tournament Bracket for you to fill out yourself to answer these questions.

Post your findings in the comments section including who your final four, and Runner Up, and Champion. What brought you to your conclusions?

Fools

Originally posted April 1, 2009.

There is a sizeable quantity of the world�s population that falls into the infamous category titled �Fools.� In case you are the type of person who wonders whether or not you fit into this category, I have provided a list of things that will most certainly qualify you for such placement should you find yourself doing any or all of these things one or more times within the timeline of your life.

Have you ever�

01. Built your house upon the sand?

02. Dressed in a jester costume?

03. Rushed in?

04. Thought you�d struck it rich upon finding some pyrite?

05. Identified yourself as being able to relate to Quasimodo?

06. Bit the hand that feeds you?

07. Melted the inner workings of all the doorknobs in your house with a propane blow torch so that upon cooling they locked up and became unusable�then hoped your parents wouldn�t notice?

If not, then you�re safe�nothing else could possibly label you a bona fide fool other than this exhaustive list. Happy April 1 everybody.

I am a quarter century old today. Not counting the 9 months I was alive prior to birth.

Video Harvest � Volume 4

So a slightly meager Vid Harvest for you this week.

For some reason the two vids I chose to post are both in slow motion, shot with high speed cameras�coincidence?

 

 

Dejavu Explained

Dejavu is the phenomenon that occurs when a person experiences something for the first time, but had previously seen it as a future event.  Consequently, the event did not exist in the past except as a flash or vision of what was to come before it had actually come.  Most of the time, the subject is unaware that what they are seeing is from their future and not what they are experiencing in the present here and now.  Dejavu can be said to be a single event that has a reflective surface, giving the illusion of two separate events with similar or exact specifics. That being said, we shall test this thing called dejavu on you, the reader.

 

�Don�t count every hour in the day, make every hour in the day count.�

 

�Don�t count every hour in the day, make every hour in the day count.�

 

Now you might say this is not dejavu but rather just repetition. The question that must answered is this; did you read the quote twice or did you remember a reflection of reading it prior to actually reading it?

Dejavu is the phenomenon that occurs when a person experiences something for the first time, but had previously seen it as a future event.  Consequently, the event did not exist in the past except as a flash or vision of what was to come before it had actually come.  Most of the time, the subject is unaware that what they are seeing is from their future and not what they are experiencing in the present here and now.  Dejavu can be said to be a single event that has a reflective surface, giving the illusion of two separate events with similar or exact specifics. That being said, we shall test this thing called dejavu on you, the reader.

 

�Don�t count every hour in the day, make every hour in the day count.�

 

�Don�t count every hour in the day, make every hour in the day count.�

 

Now you might say this is not dejavu but rather just repetition. The question that must answered is this; did you read the quote twice or did you remember a reflection of reading it prior to actually reading it?

Weathering

Originally posted on March 25, 2009.

We�ve all experienced the elements at some point in our lives. It�s just a cold (then hot then cold again) hard fact of life that when you leave something outside for any extended period of time, the earth kills it. I can�t remember how many times I had left my dad�s tools out in the yard for days before finally remembering and hoping he hadn�t come looking for them. When I went back to get them they were not as they once were, if you know what I mean. After days of the sun beating down on them, then rain pounding their metallic finish, then wind cooling and grabbing at their oxidizing molecules, the shiny objects become dull, rusty and weak. This is what Earth does to things that move very slowly.

Let�s go even further, 10 years passes and the effects are seen everywhere. Rotting and composting turn useful objects into worthless piles of rot and compost. Dark materials are made into lighter colors due to bleaching by the suns harmful UV rays. Scientists and home depot sales people call this process �weathering.� They fail to mention that how much they love weathering because it keeps them rich�..oh how I loath orange apron and unneeded back brace. Sic est porcus.

So imagine with me for a moment what would happen if Japan developed a device that could incur massive and rapid weathering upon the intended target. The science would be quite simple, just figure out a way to super accelerate the process of oxidation so that atoms loose their electrons more readily without causing a chain reaction that would spread beyond the targeted kill zone.

Imagine the good that could be done with this technology�landfills would all but vanish, whole forests could be turned into fertile potting soil in a matter of minutes, building demolition would be easy, and when you use the device on your neighbor�s yappy dog there is no evidence.

Of course you�d have your share of punk delinquent kids driving around oxidizing mailboxes but how is this really any different then smashing them with a baseball bat? I�ll tell you how it�s different: oxidizing is quieter, safer, doesn�t dent a perfectly good bat, and grants the mailbox owner with free potting soil.

Video Harvest � Volume 3

 

Next we have a very creative video from the DK publishing company.

 

For you SciFi fans out there, here is a preview of the new Predators movie coming out this Summer.

 

And for the kids, Shrek Forever After.  I�m not quite sold on this iteration of Shrek�

 

Leave your thoughts in the comments section as usual.

St. Pat. D.

So today is Saint Patrick�s Day. That great historical remembrance of the champion of Catholicism in Ireland, Saint Patrick�that has now be turned into an occasion for:

-Drinking
-Getting drunk
-Violently pinching people who don�t wear green
-Consuming large quantities of alcohol
-Intentionally polluting the Chicago river
-Swallowing green beer by the keg
-Promoting witchcraft and magic
-Swimming in pools of beer
-Making fun of Irish people
-Giving a false sense of hope by promising pots of gold
-Promoting the idea that a thing called �luck� exists
-Insinuating that shamrocks provide larger quantities of this �luck�
-Making fun of leprechauns
-Commercializing the holiday by selling green party supplies
-Men wearing dresses
-etc.
-etc.
-etc.

So now Saint Paddy�s Day is pretty much a dumb holiday. Also, women wearing hose with open toe shoes is a fashion faux pas. I�m on a horse.

Mr. ;

Originally posted March 11, 2009.

Good morning class, today we are going to explore the intricacies and nuances of one of my very favorite punctuation marks; a little friend of the literary world that I like to call Mr. Semi-colon.

The Semi-colon was first use by a Mr. Ben Jonson in 1591 after his 4th grade teacher had been constantly scolding him for not dotting his lower case i�s and j�s. In an extreme overcompensation, Ben decided to play it safe and dot every character in his paper in order to keep from repeating his past failure. Upon reading his paper, the teacher was immediately flustered by the boy�s excessive dotting but was suddenly calmed and even excited upon reaching Ben�s first dotted comma. It just seemed to fit so well as a means for pausing in a sentence; and thus, the Semi-colon was born.

Since that fateful day in 1591, the Semi-colon�s popularity has sky-rocketed to unimaginable heights. It is estimated that semicolons are used 6.023 x 10

Video Harvest � Volume 2

This week�s VidHarvest�enjoy.
First up, the comedy duo Rhett and Link charm us with their performance in a very creative use of stop-motion animation.

 

Next, we have the new trailer for Iron Man 2 that hit the web this week.

 

Thirdly, The new trailer for TRON: Legacy. 

 

And last but certainly least�a ten second preview of the Twilight: Eclipse Trailer�Yes, not even joking.  They released a pre-release preview of the preview. And Jacob is shirtless � that never happens. Also, the line he delivers in this is extremely creepy.

 

OnStar

Fact: OnStar provides subscription-based communications, in-vehicle security, hands free calling, turn-by-turn navigation, and remote diagnostics systems throughout the United States and Canada. 

At first glance, this service appears to be something that could be very useful to various driver groups and classes.

-The forgetful driver - who is constantly locking their keys in the vehicle.
-The mechanically challenged driver � who is constantly forgetting how to start their vehicle.
-The hand-eye coordinationally challenged driver � who is constantly running their car off the road and crashing into things.
-The unaware of their surroundings driver - who is constantly having their car stolen.

But how much privacy and freedom are we willing to give up in order to compensate for these issues?

Apart from the fact that Onstar always knows your vehicle�s location, they also have control over your vehicle�s normal functions. Onstar is currently running a commercial showing how they remotely controlled a stolen SUV and forced it to pull over by activating the brakes and cutting the engine. So what happens if the system malfunctions or someone on the remote end pushes the wrong button? 

I�m sitting in my brand new Onstar enabled SUV cruising down an empty street. Suddenly my car cuts off and its brake bring me to a dead stop without my pushing the brake pedal. The speaker in my dashboard crackles to life as a voice says �Stewart C. Adams, you have been selected as an accidental death candidate.  Rest in peace.� The speaker shuts off and suddenly I feel the whole car move - as the realization hits me that I am positioned on a draw bridge over a deep river.  I reach over to open the door but it is locked and the control button is unresponsive, as is the window control.  I beat on the window as hard as I can but it is too strong.  I now feel the lightness in my stomach like riding a rollercoaster as the SUV plummets into the icy water.  No one can hear my screams for help and the horn and headlights aren�t working as I try to get a signal out. I am now dead.  All the vehicle�s functions have been re-enabled and the investigation finds no evidence of my carefully executed murder.

Sure, it sounds like something out of a Harrison Ford film�until you consider that Onstar would actually have such capabilities if they so chose to use them for that purpose.  But then you might say �But they�re a private company, they aren�t going to kill off their customers.� A logical idea�until you remember that Onstar is a subsidiary company of General Motors who�s majority share holding is now owned by the United States Government.

OnStar is watching you�

Medieval Times

Originally posted March 4, 2009.

 

This past weekend I experienced something truly goodly�nay, I might even go so far as to say I experienced something spectacular. To begin with, I was served with a plate full of meat and bread by my very own meat and bread serving wench� and even though she was moderately fair to behold I could not convince the blonde fellow seated at my right to ask for her hand. He kept stating that he already had found his true love whom was seated at his right side. Regardless, I finished off my half a chicken and spare rib with two full pints of Pepsi and beheld the tournament of champions as they competed in hand to hand combat, awesomeness contests and the joust. I of course was seated in the Blue Knight�s section and therefore quoted the scene from The Cable Guy constantly throughout the evening�and what do you know, the Red Knight went down, down down down. During the show I got to see a real live Poopsmith in his natural habitat doing what it is Poopsmiths do�It was about this time that another wench tried to sell me an light-up rose, again I looked to my right suggesting that my dinner companion make the purchase as a token of his true undying love � not surprisingly, he said �No� which only supports my theory that his love is a shallow loveless feeling not actually containing any love. Anyway, back to the tourney�(Spoiler Alert) the yellow knight kills the green knight and saves the prince who had only managed to get himself captured and really served no real purpose as a character in the story. Upon completion of the tourney, I was escorted to the throne room and knighted by the king himself. Harold the Herald, rang out a joyous proclamation on his trumpet and all the peasants rejoiced.

Video Harvest � Volume 1

I am trying out a new blog segment for SAP that will tentatively be posted on Fridays. This segment will consist of funny/entertaining videos that I have come across on the web and find to be cool/awesome. Depending on the quality of videos and the response to this segment, I may or may not post every week.  In the meantime let me know what you think in the comments section. If you have a video that you think merits posting on this site, please email me at stewart.adams@gmail.com.

 

First up, we have a quality news report from the Onion News Network.

 

Next, we have two music videos from famed viral video band �OkGo� with their newest song, �This too shall pass.�

 

 

And lastly, something for the video game nerds out there. The Halo Reach Multiplayer trailer.

TI-83

 

Originally posted on February 25, 2009.

Hi, it�s me, your calculator. Yes, I know it�s kind of weird for you to be busily working and then suddenly be interpersonally communicated to by an inanimate object, not to mention an engineer-type inanimate object. But let�s face it, we have to talk�you see, I don�t think I�m being treated fairly through this arrangement. Sure it has it perks, I get free rides in your backpack, I get to make you laugh when you make pictures using math symbols, and I have the pleasure of knowing that I am infinitely smarter than you as evident in practically all your math exams.

Even these fluffy benefits however, are considerably outweighed but the horrible treatment I must go through on a day to day basis. For one thing, the endless poking has to stop. It�s embarrassing when someone walks past and there I am being poked by that terrible index finger over and over as if I were a baby. Sometimes when you�re nervous you actually inflict pain on my rubberized function button. I fear that soon the labels on my buttons will rub off and I will become useless in the purpose for which I was created. Part of this problem could be fixed if you would just store your programs and formulas in my onboard memory instead of using up all that space with your silly text pictures�the long in the short of it is that they are killing me, slowly. Also, please keep in mind that it is not my fault when you can�t remember the Pythagorean Theorem and throwing me across the room and into the wall does not help the situation.

Another thing you need to know is that girls don�t think it�s funny when you tell them your calculator can give them a TAN, chop LOGs, and forgive SIN�you�re essentially stating that you have no idea what those functions do and are confirming that you are officially un-datable if not certifiably insane.

So please, do your poor calculator a favor and help me help you. Always remember: pi is not 3.14, nine is really just a confused six, and above all, never drink and derive.

Figure Skating is Nascar On Ice

The 2010 Olympic Winter Games seem to be quite popular this time around despite the fact that they are being held in Canada.  This is most likely due to the fact that Shaun White landed his Double McTwist sandwich on a victory lap after his first run was scored higher than everyone else's combined scores. It could also be because people like to complain and dish on the amazing sport that is Curling, where women compete   to see who is the best at sweeping the floor.  The third and final all conclusive reason for the popularity of the Olympics this year is that a man died while traveling 88 mph (The same speed at which time travel is possible) in training for the Luge. Though tragic and sobering, this turn of events has drawn a massive amount of attention to the winter games. Which brings me to our main topic of discussion�

Figure skating is exactly like Nascar.  Cloaked under the guises of �Art Form� and �Athletic Sport,� figure skating is comprised of about 123 seconds of fluff and amateur level moves and about 7 seconds of masterful intense action - which is really all the audience came to see anyway.  Watching a dude in spandex tights skate around the ice in sweeping arcs with arm movements in sync with the music is about as boring as watching stock cars drive around an oval 500 times.  Like Nascar, many viewers of ice skating really only care about seeing amazing feats of skill as well as the occasional crash.  In reality, figure skating routines should take a fraction of the time if they were simply a long chain of awesome toe-loop-jump-double-salchow-flip-triple-lutz-tripple-axel-toe walley-half loops. Which brings me to my next point, if this were the case, it would be much more clear cut who was the  winner and who was the loser.  Since most people wouldn�t even be able to finish their routines, the judging would become much less subjective � i.e. prejudiced in favor of their own country. When the difference between Gold and Silver is a tenth of a point because one judge doesn�t like euro-pop music, the system is broken.

And so my friends, I propose a new sport to serve as a replacement to the traditional flavor of figure skating.  Routines last 10 seconds and start at the top of an ice ramp.  The skater gains speed and does as many tricks as possible within the time limit.  If he or she completes a certain level of difficulty and doesn�t die, they are awarded a gold medal. We can call it Stewart Skating...but fear not people who still wish to see the hum drum boring non-sport version of figure skating, you can still see it at the Ice Capades and Disney on Ice where it belongs.

The Investigator

Originally posted February 18, 2009.

_________________________________________________________________

It was another rainy night in Roswell. It�d been a long day and everything around me seemed to be in a dank and dismal state, with colors turning into grayscale before my very eyes. I sat at my desk, the sound of the ceiling fan whirring above me and the plinking of precipitation hitting the roof above that. As I slouch in my chair I tilt my fedora back on my head and contemplate what my next action should be. I ultimately decide that a drink would be appropriate for such an occasion and am then forced to think about whether whiskey or coffee would be more suited to pulling me out of my lackluster. As my mind wonders onto tangents regarding the consequences and benefits of mixing stimulants and relaxants, there is a soft knock at my office door. I pull out my pocket watch; �10:23 pm,� long past visiting hours by anyone�s calculations yet I remain here in my chair none the less. I should go home and sleep�yet that would require me to walk through the rain, I hate it when my socks get wet� My mental wonderings are again interrupted by a knock at the door, this time a little quicker, just a slight bit louder and with more desperation behind it. Curiosity fills my imagination and begins to overpower my tightly grasped desire to be left alone. Realizing that I had left a light on and the blinds on my window open, I decide that my visage was easily visible from the street below and I would not be able to hide in pretending I was not in. �Enter� I say with a slight rasp clothing the edges of the lonesome syllables. With a slow and arduous creak my office door swings open�I need to lubricate those hinges to prevent further auditory torture in the future, but I know as long as it�s on my time it will never be done.

My attention is then focused on my guest, a slender figure hidden beneath an overcoat dripping with rainwater. Turning back toward me after closing the door, the visitor confirmed my suspicions as her face shone in the light of my desk lamp, yes, she is a woman. My stomach churned inside me as she removed her hat and made plain the fact that she was indeed a girl of unquestionable beauty�the very thing I had been dreading. While most would consider this good fortune or at the very least a bonus to brighten my previous state of being, not I, for I know the implications of the situation. I had already played it over in my head�she would take a seat and begin telling me all about how the mob was after her and that she�s pretty sure they murdered her husband though she has no evidence. She�ll say she has no money and will eventually shed a few tears all with the hope that I will pity her and become her pro bono private investigator. Despite the fact that I know all this will happen I also know that there is no way I will be able to resist her. I will end up nearly getting myself killed, might lose my license and will then have the mob after me, all this just to be a hero for a beautiful girl. When it�s all over I�ll get a kiss on the cheek and she�ll say �you�re a great fella,� she�ll turn around and I�ll never see her again.

So there I sit, staring into her sparkling, frightened eyes, I can see the path that�s before me and I know it is the road I will take despite the less than favorable outcome. Playing along with what I already know she�s going to say, I offer her a chair. But then something happens that shakes up my entire decision making paradigm. Rather than taking a seat and telling me about all of her misfortunes and how she�s at the end of her rope, she walks around my desk, puts her hand on my shoulder and whispers in a low, mellow tone: �All your base are belong to us.� At that moment I hear the bang of the gun firing but do not feel the resulting pain until several seconds later. The last thing I remember was me lying on the floor looking under my desk toward the door. I watched as the woman walked through the door and the skin of her ankles changed to a scaly green color, then everything faded to blackness. �July 7, 1947

The iPad

As you may have heard already, Apple is releasing a brand new tablet device unfortunately named the iPad. Steve Jobs is touting this new piece of hardware as �magical� as it will attempt to compete with reading devices such as the Amazon Kindle as well as the ever popular Netbook PC.  Let�s go ahead and throw out any fanboy loyalty we may have for either system and take a completely objective and unbiased look at the pros and cons of the iPad in comparison to its competition.

iPad: �Hi, I�m an iPad.�

Netbook: �And I�m a Netbook.�

iPad: �I can only run one program at a time, if you want to view pictures, or type out a grocery list�you have to stop listening to music or surfing the web.�

Netbook: �I don�t have that feature��

iPad: �I can watch movies as long as they are downloaded wirelessly or synced through a computer and will fit on my 16GB, 32GB, or 64GB flash memory (btw, we charge you $100 more for each memory upgrade).�

Netbook: �I can use an external DVD drive to watch DVD movies and have unlimited storage space by way of external hard disk drives. The high end Netbooks have as much as 320 GB internal storage with the average being over 100 GB.�

iPad: �I can stream YouTube videos by way of the YouTube app�but don�t have support for flash on web pages.�

Netbook: �Whoa�really? So no Hulu, no flash games like Kitten Canon or Farmville? No blip.tv embeds? No flash based web animation? You do realize that 97% of what�s cool on the internet requires flash right?�

iPad: �Ahem, moving on�I have an on screen keyboard that has no tactile  feedback and takes up half of the screen.�

Netbook: �I come with a real keyboard built in.�

iPad: �I have access to the Apple App Store�which can already be obtained with the iPhone.�

Netbook: �I can install and run real programs with full feature sets that aren�t limited to the fact that I�m an iPad.�

iPad: �I have no external connection ports except for a 30-pin proprietary USB connection used for syncing and charging.  So I can�t attach any peripherals unless they are specifically designed for me.�

Netbook: �I can use practically any USB peripheral, and often have VGA ports and memory card readers.�

iPad: �I have up to 10 hours of battery life.�

Netbook: �Depending on the model, I can get up to 15 hours of battery life.�

iPad: �My cheapest model costs $499.�

Netbook: �I average around $300.�

iPad: �I have the apple logo on my back.�

Netbook: �I definitely don�t have that��

iPad: �I have a 9.7� backlit display so when you�re reading it�s like staring at a computer monitor.�

Netbook: �You know the Kindle has the same size display but it is specially designed to look like paper and be gentle on the eyes without glare.�

iPad: ��I�m like an iPhone, but bigger so that you can�t carry me around in your pocket and without the Phone part.�

Netbook: �So basically you�re telling me that you�re not useful as a cell phone, a laptop or a reading device?�

iPad: �No, I couldn�t possibly be saying all three of those things, that would be multitasking and I can�t do that.�

Singles Awareness Day Revisited - Revisited

 

In the spirit of vain repetition and pure laziness on my part, I am re-posting last year�s Valentines blog post for your nostalgic enjoyment.

_________________________________________________________________ 

 

When it comes to singleness, there are two polar extremes that dwell on the teetering edges of the bell curve. On one end, you have hermits, consistent feminists, and Bill Gothard � people who are to remain single for their whole life. Some are content to be here with little desire to even go on a date that could cause them to become romantically involved with another person. While others are angry�so very angry�and hate everyone and everything so much that no one wants to be near them and/or they can�t find a person they hate little enough to be interested in. In many cases, these people are already married to something else that A) takes up all their time, B) has made them rabidly bitter toward even the idea of finding true love, or C) both. This �something else� could be almost anything�a career, a celebrity obsession, a hobby, playing Halo for days at a time, etc.

At the other end of the bell curve we have those people who are absolutely terrified of the concept of being single and do everything in their power to get as far from single status as possible. Here dwell the traditional Mormons, wealthy Sheiks, the Smurfs, and King Solomon who, consider love to be more a symbol of success than a delicate emotion. To most of these people, a relationship is just another achievement (bleep bloop) on their resume of social and interpersonal prosperity.

But since most of us hang out somewhere between these two extremes, this is all I�ve got to say:

For the single Ladies: Don�t worry about a thing, the man of your dreams is going to find you soon�sweep you off your feet and carry you away to his castle whilst singing �Kiss de girl� and riding upon his magical unicorn. He will marry you and love you forever with an undying passion the likes of which this world has never seen. But, in the meantime�embrace your singleness and have a very joyous Singles Awareness Day.

For the single Gentlemen: I have put your message in binary code:

0100011001100101011011000110110001100001011100110010110000

10000001001001001000000110010001101111011011100111010000

1000000111001001100101011000010110110001101100011110010

0100000011010000110000101110110011001010010000001100001

0110111001111001011101000110100001101001011011100110011

1001000000111010001101111001000000111001101100001011110

0100100000011101000110111100100000011110010110111101110

1010010110000100000010010010010000001101010011101010111

0011011101000010000001110111011000010110111001110100011

0010101100100001000000111010001101111001000000111001101

1001010110010100100000011101110110100001101111001000000

1100001011000110111010001110101011000010110110001101100

0111100100100000011101110110010101101110011101000010000

0011101000110111100100000011101000110100001100101001000

0001110100011100100110111101110101011000100110110001100

1010010000001101111011001100010000001100100011001010110

0011011011110110010001101001011011100110011100100000011

1010001101000011010010111001100101100001000000110110101

1011110111001001100101001000000110100101101101011100000

1101111011100100111010001100001011011100111010001101100

0111100100101100001000000111011101101000011010010110001

1011010000010000001100111011010010111001001101100011100

1100100000011101110110010101101110011101000010000001110

1000110111100100000011101000110100001100101001000000111

0100011100100110111101110101011000100110110001100101001

0000001101111011001100010000001100100011001010110001101

1011110110010001101001011011100110011100100000011101000

1101000011010010111001100101110001000000100001001110101

0111010000100000011010100111010101110011011101000010000

0011001100110111101110010001000000111010001101000011001

0100100000011100100110010101100011011011110111001001100

1000010110000100000011101110110100001100101011011100010

0000011110010110111101110101001000000110010001101111001

0000001100111011001010111010000100000011000010010000001

1001110110100101110010011011000010110000100000011100110

1100001011110010110100101101110011001110010000001111001

0110111101110101001000000110010001101111011011100111010

0001000000111011101100001011011100111010000100000011101

0001101111001000000111001101110101011100000111000001101

1110111001001110100001000000111010001101000011001010010

0000011000110110111101101101011011010110010101110010011

0001101101001011000010110110001101001011110100110000101

1101000110100101101111011011100010000001101111011001100

0100000011010000110111101101100011010010110010001100001

0111100101110011001000000110001001111001001000000110111

0011011110111010000100000011000110110010101101100011001

0101100010011100100110000101110100011010010110111001100

1110010000001010110011000010110110001100101011011100111

0100011010010110111001100101011100110010000001000100011

0000101111001001000000110100101110011001000000110111001

1011110111010000100000011000010110111000100000011011110

11100000111010001101001011011110110111000101110

Disney Princesses - Part 2

In continuation of last week's article, I now give you Disney Princesses - Part 2 as indicated by the title above.  This week we will take a look at the four remaining Disney Princesses and how they are poor role models for young girls and altogether bad for society as a whole.

06. Jasmine - Here we have a young girl who is constantly disobedient to her father (who is also sultan btw), who runs away from home on a regular basis, wears hammer pants, and rather than pursuing a relationship with an upstanding member of society (who just so happens to be rich, handsome and royalty), she decides to go for the ruffian punk kid who steals for a living and is commonly known as a "street rat." By today's standards, this degenerate would be accurately known as "drug dealer." Since when is it okay to tell little girls they should aspire to marry a street rat when they grow up?

07. Pocahontas - The only of the Disney Princesses that is actually based on a historical character, Pocahontas is everything the real Pocahontas was not. The real Pocahontas was about 10 years old when she saved John Smith's life, she did not know him prior to the encounter and never had any kind of ongoing relationship with him.  She also did not worship talking trees and was baptized as a born again Christian after marrying John Rolfe in 1614.  But I guess its okay to complete deface a historical figure and add fiction to their story if it means box office sales. 

08. Mulan - Ah, the Chinese woman who looks like a man.  So much like a man that her gender was never questioned throughout months in a military training encampment.  The ultimate example of feminist role reversal, Mulan gives the audience the impression that all men are idiots and women are the best at fighting giant hulking Huns.  If only the Huns had sent their women to invade China, then they would have won.

09. Tiana - Also not a real princess until she marries a frog, Tiana is an American living in New Orleans in 1912.  Wearing a princess costume for a masquerade ball, Tiana is mistaken as a real princess by a frog who just happens to be a prince from a country that still has a monarchy. Since I have yet to see "The Princess and The Frog,"  I will not comment further regarding the negative aspects of the film or its "princess."  If you have seen the movie, feel free to add input in the comments section.

Disney Princesses � Part 1

Disney has a tried and true method for developing many of their classic characters - A beautiful princess that goes through many a trial but ultimately ends up with a handsome prince charming.  It's a rubber stamp formula that is often clich� and repetitive, but it works.   To quote the only animated film ever nominated for Best Picture: "If it's not baroque, don't fix it."

But has anyone ever really taken a critical and admittedly cynical  look into the lives of these Princesses?  Little girls love them because they wear Drancy Fesses, women love them because they are "strong,"  and guys love them because they are "hot" and "rich" (everything a man wants his woman to be).  But what really lies under the skin deep beauty and initial appeal of these characters? Let's analyze them, shall we?

01. Cinderella - Not really a princess at all except by marriage, this little girl is everything she is because of other people.  She was a slave because of her step mother and sisters, she was made into a fake princess by her fairy god mother, she was rescued by her animal friends and she was made into a real princess by the prince.  Basically Cinderella doesn't even really exist except as a shell entity that is swayed and moved by whichever way the proverbial wind is blowing.

02. Snow White - Allegedly the fairest maiden in the land, Snow White obviously lived in a land where standards for feminine beauty were extremely low.  With her pale white skin and plain features, Snow looks like one who has some kind of unshakable disease.  Based on her general attitude and the fact that she eats poisoned fruit received from an obviously shady old woman, it is clear that Snow is not the brightest bulb on the strand.

03. Aurora - Also known as Sleeping Beauty, this princess was given an unfair advantage at birth.  Bestowed with super human beauty and singing skills by the fairies Flora and Fauna, has no one realized how superficial these gifts are?  What good would beauty and singing do the kingdom if Aurora had turned out to be pure evil?  How about something like 'the gift of wisdom' or 'the gift of purity'?  I guess the scale of what makes a good princess is measured only by how she looks and sounds.

04. Belle � Belle is a clearly disturbed small town girl who falls in love with a creature of another species. Enough said.

05. Ariel � Filled with teen angst, this half fish girl strives to be something she�s not�a woman.  This is displayed by Ariel�s constant rebellion to her authorities, her whiny sel-fish (ha!) attitude and the fact that she�s half fish.

To be continued�

I feel I have neglected the Stewart Adams Project's weekly blog...yet, there isn't really any public outcry and it doesn't appear to be missed. Would this be an accurate assessment?