Figure Skating is Nascar On Ice

The 2010 Olympic Winter Games seem to be quite popular this time around despite the fact that they are being held in Canada.  This is most likely due to the fact that Shaun White landed his Double McTwist sandwich on a victory lap after his first run was scored higher than everyone else's combined scores. It could also be because people like to complain and dish on the amazing sport that is Curling, where women compete   to see who is the best at sweeping the floor.  The third and final all conclusive reason for the popularity of the Olympics this year is that a man died while traveling 88 mph (The same speed at which time travel is possible) in training for the Luge. Though tragic and sobering, this turn of events has drawn a massive amount of attention to the winter games. Which brings me to our main topic of discussion�

Figure skating is exactly like Nascar.  Cloaked under the guises of �Art Form� and �Athletic Sport,� figure skating is comprised of about 123 seconds of fluff and amateur level moves and about 7 seconds of masterful intense action - which is really all the audience came to see anyway.  Watching a dude in spandex tights skate around the ice in sweeping arcs with arm movements in sync with the music is about as boring as watching stock cars drive around an oval 500 times.  Like Nascar, many viewers of ice skating really only care about seeing amazing feats of skill as well as the occasional crash.  In reality, figure skating routines should take a fraction of the time if they were simply a long chain of awesome toe-loop-jump-double-salchow-flip-triple-lutz-tripple-axel-toe walley-half loops. Which brings me to my next point, if this were the case, it would be much more clear cut who was the  winner and who was the loser.  Since most people wouldn�t even be able to finish their routines, the judging would become much less subjective � i.e. prejudiced in favor of their own country. When the difference between Gold and Silver is a tenth of a point because one judge doesn�t like euro-pop music, the system is broken.

And so my friends, I propose a new sport to serve as a replacement to the traditional flavor of figure skating.  Routines last 10 seconds and start at the top of an ice ramp.  The skater gains speed and does as many tricks as possible within the time limit.  If he or she completes a certain level of difficulty and doesn�t die, they are awarded a gold medal. We can call it Stewart Skating...but fear not people who still wish to see the hum drum boring non-sport version of figure skating, you can still see it at the Ice Capades and Disney on Ice where it belongs.